September 28, 2014

An Unbroken Heart

As I study and gain experience with true conversion or the mighty change of heart (Alma 5:12-13, Ezekiel 11:19), I see that there is an aspect of healing and an aspect of endowment involved. It is about healing that I write today. We often talk about the broken heart that Christ requires (3 Nephi 9:20, Psalms 34:18) as being an obedient heart, like a horse that is broken and therefore obedient to the direction of his master. This is true, and yet it is also true that all our hearts have been in fact broken, damaged and darkened by our sins, by the sins of others, and by the trials that are part of a fallen world. Will we harden our hearts to numb the pain, even though that causes us to become past feeling like Laman and Lemuel (1 Nephi 17:45, Ephesians 4:18-19)? One with a stony heart may ignore the chronic ache of injury, but those who harden their hearts cannot feel the gentle peace and joy that come through the still, small voice of God (1 Kings 19:12). He promises that “after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them” (D&C 112:13). Our hearts will not be healed until we entrust them to our Savior.   
         

The temple experience reminds us of this initial process of healing. As Wendy Ulrich has noted*, our wounds need the same care that the Good Samaritan gave to the man injured by thieves and left by the side of the road: to be washed, anointed with healing balm and dressed with a protective covering (Luke 10:30-34). Just as the Samaritan in the parable paid for the man’s care while he convalesced (Luke 10:35), the Savior has paid the price for our healing: “he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5). Healing a wound is an uncomfortable process, especially when infection has taken hold. To some extent our injured hearts have all been infected by selfishness, pride, and perhaps bitterness. It takes great trust to keep our hearts upon the surgery table while Christ scrubs out the taint of the natural man (Mosiah 3:19, 1 Corinthians 2:14). We will probably find this scrubbing to be a repeated process throughout our lives. But we have the assurance that Christ will be meticulous and thorough in His work. The care with which He directs temple buildings to be constructed reflects the care with which He handles our hearts, for we ourselves are temples of God (1 Corinthians 3:16). Just as graffiti is sanded out instead of just painted over on temple walls, Christ will not content Himself with glossing over our scars but will restore tissue and spirit to their perfect state. Just as each temple window and tile is required to be set perfectly straight, Christ will order our hearts to perfection. We will become unbroken, whole and undivided with complete integrity.
         

As I turn my heart each day to Jesus Christ and experience the healing that comes from Him, in some ways the process is so gradual that it is only by looking back that I see how much healthier my heart feels than it did years or decades ago. At other times I find that a small piece of inspiration can almost instantly remove a heartache that had been tender for a long time. I experienced this type of healing one day a few years ago. A couple of years previous to that time, I had begun experiencing health problems that were debilitating and confusing. As my condition worsened over the months and doctor after doctor had no help to give, I found it difficult to sleep because of my illness. I spent many nights in great pain, being buffeted by fear and silently crying and praying for help. Although I had often experienced the comfort of the Spirit previously in my life, during those long nights I felt very alone. After a number of months that health problem began to recede, but I felt a little betrayed by the loneliness I had felt. Why had I not been able to feel comfort from the Lord in those dark hours when I needed it most? What had I done wrong so that my prayers were not answered? Why had God allowed this trial when it seemed to make a mess of what I thought was the plan for my life? I persisted onward with my faith in Christ, but there was a part of my heart that still ached.  
         
As I continued to pray, study the scriptures and ponder, I learned that loneliness is sometimes just part of our trials. As Jesus neared the end of His suffering on the cross, He cried out, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). Heavenly Father had not abandoned Jesus, but Jesus needed to experience the loneliness we sometimes feel so He could comfort and heal us. If I am trying to become more like Jesus – if I want to gain compassion and skill to comfort others, which I do – then I should not be surprised if there are times when God does not immediately relieve my loneliness. This lesson helped to ease but not completely erase my heartache.
         

A year after those darkest nights, I was driving home from an errand when I remembered a vivid dream where I had experienced Christ’s love in a powerful way. Without words, the Spirit helped me realize that the dream had come right before my illness began. In a matter of seconds, as I turned the car from one street onto another, I suddenly knew that the dream was God’s way of giving me a hug and encouragement at the start of a wrenching but necessary trial. The feeling that my life had taken a wrong turn was erased. The sore spot in my heart disappeared. Through the Spirit, I felt known, loved and healed by my Savior.
         

I still struggle with plenty of weaknesses, faults and selfishness, but through the quiet whisperings of the Spirit and the experiences I have had, I have confidence that Jesus will finish His work on my heart. The healing part of the mighty change of heart is slow but it is real. This blessing is offered to all people, “black and white, bond and free, male and female . . . Jew and Gentile” for “all are alike unto God” (2 Nephi 26:33). Though the process will continue into the next life, I have firm hope that through Christ’s grace my heart will eventually become seamlessly healed, perfectly strong and completely unbroken.


*Ulrich, Wendy. The Temple Experience: Passage to Healing and Holiness. Springville, UT: CFI, 2012, 55.